First of all, nobody should take this post as a cry for help or a plea for attention. People get all icky about the subject of suicide and I don't want my dear readers to take this in anything other than the spirit it proclaims.
When I was younger, I was very depressed. I considered suicide, for very very tiny amounts of time and not terribly seriously. A couple weeks ago I far more strongly thought about suicide because I was completely elated. I know. It didn't make any sense to me then and it doesn't really now. Hence, the rest of this piece might not make sense. I'll apologize in advance.
It could be argued that I spend too much time thinking about things these days. It could be argued, and I'm not sure what side I would be on. In any case, weeks ago I was awestruck by the continuity of the universe. I am a shockingly small part of the universe, but I am quite literally made of the very same basic material as everything else. The time I spend here as a cohesive entity is a fraction of a fraction of all the time in the continuum. The component parts of me will persist for thousands, millions or even billions of years.
I know. This is dangerously close to all that hippy "we are one with the universe" crap. And yet, it's so close to being true. We, and everything around us, are made of atoms that were born in the massive celestial forges of long-dead stars. Everything we know, love and hate are more similar than we could ever understand before the revelations of modern physics. From the Big Bang, to now, to the eventual thermal death of all activity in the universe in trillions of years, it was as though I could trace my very presence through time. (I told you this wouldn't make any sense)
As a result, I felt as though a veil had been lifted. The particles that make me up at this moment were widely scattered before coming together for a few decades to be...me. Once I stop functioning as a human being, what makes me up will go on to make up other things, mainly worm crap at first....but still. While I have rarely been afraid to die (since I'm pretty sure I won't experience what it is like to be dead) after this thought I was positively eager to die. Once I do, the next natural step will be fulfilled and miniscule parts of me will continue on.
So I smiled, comfortable at the thought of my own death. But the thought of suicide passed pretty quickly. As it turns out, I have all the time in the universe.
that was beautiful. and it made perfect sense.
ReplyDeletei completely understand the moment of awe and excitement. i too am excited to find out what really happens after death, but sadly i suspect i wont have the capacity to witness or comprehend it. but what you say is still beautiful :)
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ReplyDeleteGreat read my friend!
ReplyDeleteI personally think that this post has very little to do with suicide or death. I think you had an experience where you were able to cast off the illusion of "self" for a time. The fear of suffering and death are inescapable in enselfed life...but this does not mean it is inescapable.
Saul of Tarsus/Paul had this type of experience in Philippians 1:20-24. When the delusion of self is removed, the reality appears; so that to destroy delusion is to reveal the reality.
I believe you experienced both peace and reality. Things are definitely going to be interesting from here on out!
I enjoyed reading this post. It made a lot of sense. Physics classes were my favorite in high school and it was then when I came to that realization...
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